Dean's Blog

Last night I met my parents for the first time since Christmas. I managed to make my way to the pouring rain to meet them in the local bar. They had obviously been there for a while as there were a few empty glasses on the table.

My father and I made our way to the bar and whilst ignoring the Fulham fans in the corner we were keeping an eye on the football. After deciding to order two very strong ales and a half for my diminutive mother we made our way back to the table. The talk was based on the typical conversation that most parents and siblings have when they have not met for several months. The talk was around my move to Sweden, my parents possibly moving to Lincoln, Wales or Scotland and just how the family was getting on.

Soon our hunger got the better of us so we decided to head to a Chinese restaurant that I had walked past every day but had never been inside. They had an offer on “All you can eat for £14.50” but if you left any you had to pay extra. Following a large starter (twice), two courses of shredded lamb, endless amounts of squid, prawns and fish were consumed washed down with the finest Japanese lager.

As we made our way to Asda for some late night shopping we soon made our way to the taxi rank. My father then said “Do we have time for a quick short?” So of course we ended up doing vodka and sambuca shots in the pub before my parents jumped into a taxi and headed off for their trip to Rome.

As I walked home, well staggered really, I started to think about the night I had. My father and mother are now in their sixties (well my mother is next year!) and looking back on the last twenty years I do feel that time could have been a lot better spent. The nineties were not really a good time between us. I was rather a moody adolescent and they were too occupied with their own middle aged traumas to start to what relates to a normal parent/adulthood relationship.

Things only really started to improve when I moved out of the old city to London in 2001. That decade my visits to my family went from once a week to once every two/three months so I think our relationship mellowed. There were of course times where there were some dark days but as the last decade moved on the love between us just naturally grew and we found ourselves becoming a lot closer emotionally. Now I know that it sounds hard when you are not emotionally close to your parents but more often than not that is the case.

So as we begin a new decade I realise that I probably only have around two decades left to spend time with my father and mother. There will be a time when they are no longer here and the telephone calls that I am sometimes too busy to take, or the emails that I delay in writing will become cherished memories to me. Though they will be gone in person the spiritual strength that they have will always live on and that will give me the inner strength to face whatever life throws at me.

I have certainly been guilty of not seeing my family enough and as each year seems to be moving faster and faster time is something that is too precious to measure. Therefore it is nights like these that mean the most to a child. There will be many more I promise.

Looking back over 90 minutes it’s amazing how much emotions can go through your mind during a game of football.

Last night’s game was really the biggest, to me, since the Champions League final back in 2008. The fact that it was against Jose Mourinho made it even more than just a normal game. Sometimes I get text messages from my father saying things like

“Your mum won’t let me watch the game”

“I’m being told off for shouting too much”

I totally sympathise where he is coming from. It’s hard to describe what it feels like at times when watching your football team in such a high pressured game. You’re not just a partial fan or a spectator; you become part of a crowd, a tribe or clan. The colours that you wear are not just clothes; they become your battle dress. The songs that echo from the terraces become the battle chants. It’s no longer a game.

It is human nature to raise your voice in times of excitement or frustration and certainly last nights game was full of drama. Inter scoring after just three minutes, the frustration then elation at the performance of Kalou. Drogba thumping his free kick against the bar, the goal, then going 2-1 down and the injury to Cech did not help matters much.

For all the shouting that took place in the pub last night the group of people who were there for a business meeting should not have made such a fuss as they did. Not only did they yell at the barman to turn the television off but that they “Could not hear themselves for all the yobs shouting”

Well excuse us, it is a pub that we drink in most nights and this is the first time that you have ever been in there. The sign outside clearly said “LIVE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE”. The pub is full of bankers, lawyers, firemen, police, doctors, builders, plumbers, IT workers and even a judge. Just because we don’t wear our work attire into the pub does not give you the right to tag us as “Yobs”.

When it comes to football this is our night, this is our pub and if you don’t like it you know exactly what you can do.

Distant tears remind me of a life that we once shared
Memories of golden days of moments when I cared
Endless days of tears you cried, flooded like the rain
Sleepless nights spent entwined as I sheltered you from pain
Time was cruel and heartless forcing us apart
Immediate pain was soon replaced, seasons heal a broken heart
I granted you your privacy, kept the memories locked inside
Wishing you the best in life just looking back with pride
Years on I hear through the grapevine you simply could not let it rest
Slaughtering my name behind my back with venom and detest
In vain I offered peace to you, yet you would not let it lie
Stuck the knife into my heart wishing I would die
Your endless slander and vicious lies now have led to this
Revenge will be swift and precise, the purest form of bliss
Your nails of wrath were sharp as they cut into my skin
Yet nothing cuts as deep as revenge, feel the pain within
So as the seasons turn again, keep your sights on the full lit moon
For the justice that I seek so bad, is coming to you soon

I often lie awake at night
My eyes are full of tears
Memories dance through my mind
We were happy in those years
A heart so loving and pride so strong
But a life full of confusion
I pray that sometimes your illness
Was nothing but a mere illusion

Daddy can you hear my name
As I call it from my heart
Daddy I can feel your pain
Even though were far apart
Sometime I live my life the way it should not be
I'll always be daddy's little girl
For all eternity

I feel so lost in this cold grey land
Daddy take me by the hand
Take us to our special place
Where we play amongst our human race
A place where peace can touch a soul
Where peoples lives are in control
Our Secret Place where our love can live
Daddy please learn to forgive

Daddy can you hear my name
As I call it from my heart
Daddy I can feel your pain
Even though were far apart
Sometime I live my life the way it should not be
I'll always be daddy's little girl
For all eternity

Now as I lay down and think of you
I know your love will see me through
Your pain and hurt I cannot replace
I long to see you kind warm face
Those days are gone, just a memory
I'll be your little girl for eternity

This eternal winter seems destined to last for ever. Whatever happened to the warm days of our childhood where we would spend endless hours playing in eternal sunshine?

I cannot recall the last time I saw sunshine, I think it was in 2003, well that was at least the last time that I recall a decent summer. Sitting in a garden in London watching people play cricket with a nice cold beer and some good home cooked food. Even going to work seemed to be a pleasure, with the exception of travelling on the tube of course.

Last summer we were told that it would be a “BBQ season” by the weather forecasters. I think we had three days of nice sunshine out of a possible ninety so I guess they got that wrong. 2007 we were told would be a “Mild summer” only to be hit by the words floods seen in this country in 300 years. I remember when it began snowing in December; it was fun at first but now as I look outside this hotel window in Brighton and see rain mixed with snow all I can see is a vast grey blanket of cold.

It will soon be March, the month where the daffodils are meant to be in bloom, the leaves return to the trees and the flowers begin to bud yet I hear today that were now looking at April now as the cold has destroyed whatever process was in place to create spring.

So as the grey skies linger on all I can hope for is that we at least see some form of sunshine this year. I want to sit in a beer garden talking to friends how annoying wasps are; I need to feel the sun on my face as I walk home without feeling a sudden chill behind it.

Above all I need to just have some sunshine brighten up this city, otherwise it will forever be the cold grey metropolis I am beginning to fall out of love with.

Well it’s only a few months now until I bid farewell to London and move full time to Sweden. In the two years that I have been back in London I have only moved into one area. I’ve been in my current apartment for five months but have never felt that comfortable.

Though I share with a guy who is easy to get on with he is a little to strange for me to feel that relaxed at home. I mean he’s nice to talk to, intelligent and always has a sensible opinion but it’s his dating lifestyle that I find difficult. He spends fortunes of money on finding young Russian Girls more than half his age and more often than not it has ended up in complete disaster.

But I heard him saying yesterday that he maybe away in Russia the first two weeks of April. It will be the first time that I have had the place to myself for more than a day. I just really hope his visa is accepted!

I just read that the Home Secretary Jack Straw has boasted that the Labour government has “Banned 30 Facebook profiles of those that are in prison”. It appears that some people are taunting their victims from behind prison bars by using facebook on mobile phones.

Now don’t get me wrong but taking the mobile phone away like a naughty schoolchild is hardly going to stop them smuggling another one in. So how about a new punishment? If they are found with a mobile phone it gets turned sideways and shoved up their arse? That way they may just remember why they are in prison in the first place.

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I wonder where is my valentine
On this cold dark February day?
No roses or hearts sent this year,
I guess they went away
Seeing those stroll hand in hand,
My mouth begins to frown
Did I do something wrong in love,
My heart is upside down
Much love I have to offer you,
If only you knew I’m here
My life is so empty without love
Loneliness is my darkest fear
Gazing up into the moon
I picture your moonlit face
How you would feel in my arms
Our eternal loving embrace
Someone who never lets me down
And loves me more each day
I’d give him the best a heart can give
I would never run away
Maybe this is the last year of loneliness
Here is hoping I will find love soon
For now my hopes are pinned on thee
My forgotten man in the moon

This winter is just crazy. I remember a few years ago speaking to a friend of mine about how “We never had snow like the good old days”.

Yet here we are and were still getting snow some eight weeks after it all began. I purposely delayed my flights to Sweden and France as the last few times that I flew my flights have been severely disrupted and now I hear were expecting another six inches of snow this weekend.

I love snow, I love playing in it and having fun but the UK simply cannot cope when it comes to dealing with a few inches. The Met Office have predicted this correctly and again I will grin and put up with it just like us British do.

I won’t ask the Met Office for much but just one thing. Please forecast a bloody hot summer!

So this weekend is Valentines Day and possibly the only day of the year that I really avoid.

It’s not that I am unromantic, far from it but I see this day as being the most commercial waste of time that exists in our calendar. One day each year we are expected to shower affections and gifts on our loved ones and each year it becomes more and more expensive.

For me giving flowers or chocolates or a gift should not be confined to just one day in each year. Each day should be as romantic as Valentines Day filled with surprises, love, affection and moments that only the heart can truly cherish. When your loved one has had a terrible day in April, caught in a downpour what better way than to arrive home before them and lay on a surprise that shows exactly how you care. Or how about in June meeting them from work and then whisking them off to a romantic dinner in your favourite restaurant? Perhaps pack a bag and take her away to Paris for the weekend in the romantic month of November. Why just Feb 14th?

More often than not may people use Valentines Day as one opportunity to make up for not being romantic the rest of the year and quite often the gullible will fall for this charade. Love is needed 365 days a year not just one so I won’t be buying any roses, or chocolates nor a card. This does not mean that I do not love my partner, far from it I love her with all the heart a man can possibly have. I just don’t bow down to commercialism to prove this once a year. I would far rather be romantic all year round.

I have found an absolutely wonderful app for the Iphone. It’s called Sleep Cycle.

http://www.lexwarelabs.com/sleepcycle/

Being an insomniac it is very hard to sleep at the best of times and this app is far more than just an alarm clock. It uses the internal sensors in an Iphone to monitor how may times you move in bed at night and monitors your quietest and most disturbed times.

During the night you go from light sleep to deep sleep, occasionally entering into a dream state which is called REM-sleep. These are things that your normal alarm clock does not care about, and will go off at the set time regardless of whether you are in a light sleep phase or in the deepest sleep. However, since you move differently in bed during the different phases, the Sleep Cycle alarm clock is able to use the accelerometer in your iPhone to monitor your movement and determine which sleep phase you are in. Sleep Cycle then uses a 30 minute alarm window that ends at your set alarm time and wakes you in your lightest sleep phase.

I used it for the first time last night and it showed that from 2-4am I was deep in a dream state and that from 5-6 I was “almost awake” which is true as I was.

The Sleep Cycle alarm clock is a bio-alarm clock that analyzes your sleep patterns and wakes you when you are in the lightest sleep phase.

Waking up in the lightest sleep phase feels like waking without an alarm clock - it is a natural way to wake up where you feel rested and relaxed.

It is going to be a brilliant app for me and I hope to wake up to face each day feeling as fresh and positive as can be.